Bigots are…oh , forgive me, please…having a gotta-exercise-my-right-to-free-speech moment. Thank Marc Silver, resident bigot of EXPRESS, for this moment. EXPRESS is one of those throw-away newspapers that they pass out at subway stations near where I live. Check out the resident bigot’s article, “A Little Limelight,” dated February 8, 2012, at expressnightout.com/muse.
Bigot Silver says he thinks that Ricky Gervais is brilliant on his HBO television show because, “In one scene, a dim secretary suggests a chimney sweeping career for” a dwarf who is supposedly “cash-strapped.” According to Silver, the secretary continues, “People will say, ‘Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever….’ Then she’d reveal how it was done: ‘We had a dwarf on a pole!'” This show is, according to Bigot Silver, “a comedy series.” So why am I not laughing? Full disclosure! I am four feet and nine and a half inches tall. Do you really think I find this funny?
But I’d guffaw till all the chimneys are soot-free if I could watch the careers of all the bigots go up in smoke. Let’s start with Bigot Silver. I’d laugh uproariously from watching EXPRESS fire their resident bigot. I’d laugh explosively from watching Bigot Silver fail to get any kind of a writing job ever again.
But far be it from me to wish that Bigot Silver has to get on food stamps, or sleep on the street. I’d laugh nuclearly from watching Silver start a new career as a chimney sweep. Some enterprising entrepreneur can tie him to a pole and sweep chimneys with him. Besides the brilliant comedy of seeing someone use him this way, tying oh-so-normal-sized Silver to a pole to clean chimneys would be much more efficient than using some dwarf.
So come on, EXPRESS, give us some laughs. Fire your resident bigot. And ruin his chances of ever getting another writing job. Do everything you can to make him so desperate that he will rise to new heights of grunge in those chimneys. And Bigot Silver, if you happen to see this, I hope that you are enough of a champion of free speech that you appreciate this posting. I also hope that the idea of your being fired, your writing career ruined, and your being tied to a pole and covered in soot from chimneys is belching laughter from your mouth like smoke from a chimney. If you are not laughing about this idea, please explain why you do not have a sense of humor.